Monday, August 9, 2010
http://www.counselcareconnection.org/articles/78/1/What-Makes-Forgiveness-So-Hard/Page1.html
I've been receiving so many messages of God on hope, overcoming fear, stretching myself in faith, surrounding myself with the right people and positive influences, and moving on: forgiveness as a choice to free myself. It's so empowering. I really needed guidance last night, and I received more than I could have asked for. Thank you God.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I need clarification in my life.
I need to clarify what just happened here. Dan just hung up on me from a conversation we were having about how he has decided to not pressure me to do all these things anymore, such as apply to jobs, because he feels bad. And I said I was disappointed to hear him say all of that, and he got upset and said "fine!" and hung up on me. *sigh*
I need someone who can understand me. I need someone who can understand exactly how I'll react to certain things and understand that I am only coping with the situation and mean no harm. For example, when he told me he was sorry, and that he doesn't want to pressure me anymore, my reaction was that I didn't want him to say all these things if he didn't really understand. But that I appreciate him caring and ..I don't think he understands that. I was already disappointed but now I am even more disappointed by the fact that my own boyfriend doesn't get that about me. I need a boyfriend who can understand me like his true best friend. How can we possibly marry each other if he doesn't know what I mean by certain things?
I'm not sure if I should even be feeling this way, but I actually feel a tinge of jealousy, and maybe it's not jealousy, but anger? towards Lynda (and Jesse). Now, I realize that they are both single, and that it is perfectly fair for them to be interested in each other, if they are --- but something about it doesn't feel 'right' to me. I think it's especially because Jesse IS my ex, and Lynda knew us since when we had dated each other, so .. to see Lynda be so close to Jesse makes me feel territorial, even if he is single or not. Like... I dunno, I had already noticed things going on between them since several months back, and it was very obvious to me that Lynda had feelings for Jesse, but I almost feel like it's crossing the line for her to flirt with or make her moves on Jesse--in front of me. But there it always does seem like Lynda looks uncomfortable whenever I am around. Maybe she views me as a threat? Why should I care when I should be completely over him. And if he feels anything towards her, then fine, right? ??
I don't know. I can't deny that I don't like it. I had already had an inkling, but hanging out with them for the first time the other night (Friday) and seeing that it was written all over her face, and Jesse's hard to read signals, made it kind of hard for me to see whether something was really going on or not. But they are hanging out with each other a lot more than I'd like.. and here's the thing. I think that usually I wouldn't mind so much, especially when I didn't mind Lan dating Jesse, because I barely knew Lan, but because Lynda and I know each other, and Lynda seems to act strange or uncomfortable whenever she is around me, makes me think that she doesn't like me for some reason. Probably because I am a threat to her. I know this all sounds vain and egocentric, but I am serious about it. I think it's the truth. I just need to put my emotions aside, and let it be. Who cares, right?
I should be focused on Dan and my relationship anyway. I've just realized though, that I don't really like Lynda, for doing this. She should know better. But why all these emotions over him anyway? He doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
Every now and then, I need words of wisdom from God, or should I say.. through Joel Osteen. It's mostly from whenever my family life gets hard to deal with. But I shouldn't be complaining because I know there are other people out there in this world who have it much worse. It's just hard to deal with, when I know that I am constantly being bogged down by these problems, and no one around me knows what is really going on in my life, except for the few close people to me. I'm just trying to be resilient.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Wow, I haven't blogged in a while. I'd like to keep my blog updated more often, since, of course, I always have things to say, thoughts to share, but I never find time or motivation to come around to actually blogging.
A lot has happened since I've last been on here... even though I don't even know when the last time I blogged was. For one, dad is recovering from fractured ribs from a recent heavy fall in the bathroom last Tuesday night. It was definitely a scary moment, but we made it through, and he's safe and resting at home now. I'm just so glad my dad is okay. It was the scare of my life when I found him groaning on the kitchen floor with difficulty breathing. Anh and I have been taking very good care of him. Thank God for Anh's 'OCD' personality when it comes to these things, she's been extremely watchful and attentive of Dad, to make sure he doesn't do anything that may add harm to his health and injury.
I always have tons of things to say but I always feel like stopping, for some reason. I guess I'll stop here, and maybe I'll continue later. My blog posts have really become stream of consciousness entries, and not pre-planned artistically written entries...